~~ Be wise enough to let go of the negativity
inside you.~~
“I know my negativity kills me,
so why do I think like this?”
You
wouldn’t believe how many emails Angel and I receive every day that contain a
similar question. Thankfully, we have answers.
Over the past decade we’ve
coached thousands of people who were struggling with various forms of
self-inflicted negativity, and we’ve learned a lot by helping them get their
thoughts straight.
Thinking ‘the worst,’ expecting
catastrophic failure and betrayal, seeing problems where others don’t, and even
seeing positives as negatives – all convey a kind of emotional insurance policy.
“If I expect the worst, then I won’t be disappointed if and when it happens.”
Can you
relate in any way?
Another
negative thinking trap that can mess with us is the ‘I told you so’
syndrome. For some people, it can feel more important to be proved right
in their negative predictions than to have good things happen (and therefore be
proved ‘wrong’).
Before
I get too positive about negativity though, here’s a thought: The habit
of thinking negatively doesn’t just predict how likely someone is to become depressed,
but also predicts how likely they are to suffer from all sorts of other
diseases and disorders later on in life. I’m not suggesting that negative
thinking alone creates disease, but it certainly doesn’t help.
In this
post we’re going to look at what you can do to stop thinking negatively.
But first, let’s examine a super-common mistake negative people tend to make:
Negative
people are often proud to describe themselves as ‘realists.’ Of course,
anyone who holds a strong belief thinks they are being ‘realistic’ by holding
it, whether it involves UFO encounters or perfectly truthful politicians.
The ‘being more realistic’
declaration is a favorite of cynics everywhere.
And in a way they are correct.
But only because negative thinking causes us not to try – or if we do
try, to do it half-heartedly and give up sooner – so the negativity itself
influences our outcomes. Self-fulfilling
predictions like this really do happen.
Research has even found that in some cases what we believe about our
health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual health.
What makes all of this so scary
is the fact that it means negative thoughts can plague us even when things seem
to be going relatively well. For
instance, the thought “It’s too good to last!” quickly wrecks havoc on a
positive situation. Thus, my first tip
has to do with how negative thinking distorts our perception…
1. Stop thinking in extremes.
Life simply isn’t black or
white – 100% of this or 100% of that – all or nothing. Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way
to misery, because negative thinking tends to view any situation that’s less
than perfect as being extremely bad. For
example:
Rather than the rainstorm
slowing down my commute home from work, instead “it wasted my whole evening and
ruined my night!”
Instead of my business venture
taking a while to gain traction, “it’s never going to work, and it’s going to
completely ruin my financial future.”
Rather than just accepting the
nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not
going to like me.”
All or nothing thinking
completely misses out the subtle shades in life. It makes us see the future in terms of
dramatic disasters, disappointments and catastrophes. Sure, disasters occasionally happen, but
contrary to what you many see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a
grey area between the extremes of bliss and devastation.
The first step to overcoming
negative thinking isn’t to ‘just be positive’ suddenly, but to carefully look
for shades of grey. Say you’ve been
worrying about an intimate relationship.
Rather than thinking: “It’s going to end with two broken hearts, I just
know it is” or even “It’s going to be absolutely perfect 24/7,” how about: “I
expect there will be great times, good times, and not so good times, but we
will work together, respect each other, and give our relationship a fair chance
before drawing any conclusions. ”
2. Stop over-generalizing the negative.
Ask yourself: “If something
negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and
being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”
For example, if someone turns
you down for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time, and
place by telling yourself: “Relationships never work out for me, ever”? If you fail an exam do you say to yourself,
“Well, I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study harder next
time”? Or do you over-generalize it by
telling yourself you’re “not smart enough” or “incapable of learning”?
And this leads in perfectly to
the next point…
3. Stop minimizing the positive.
Negative thinking stops us from
seeing and experiencing positive outcomes, even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental screen
filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the ‘negative
bias.’ Magnifying setbacks and minimizing
successes leads to de-motivation and misery in the long run. Know this.
Get into the habit of seeing
setbacks as temporary and specific learning experiences rather than as
permanent and pervasive misfortunes. We
all tend to find what we look for in life.
If you find yourself thinking negatively about a person, for instance,
get into the habit of balancing it out with one positive thought about them:
“She’s so selfish… Mind you, to be fair, she was helpful when my car broke down
last year… and she does have a good sense of humor…” The positive is always there somewhere, but
you have to search for it. (Angel and I
discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy,
Successful People Do Differently.)
4. Stop looking for negative signs from others.
Too often we jump to
conclusions, only to cause ourselves and others unnecessary frustration, hurt
and anger. If someone says one thing,
don’t assume they mean something else. If
they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative
connotation.
Thinking negatively will
inevitably lead you to interpret everything another person does as being
negative, especially when you are uncertain about what the other person is
thinking. For instance, “He hasn’t
called, so he must not want to talk to me,” or, “She only said that to be nice,
but she doesn’t really mean it.”
Assigning meaning to a
situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that
the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign. On the flip side, holding off on assigning
meaning to an incomplete story is essential to overcoming negative
thinking. When you think more positively,
or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all possible
reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones. In other words, you’ll be doing more of: “I don’t know why he hasn’t called, but
maybe…”
“…he’s extremely busy at work.”
“…his phone has a poor signal
in the office building.”
“…he’s simply waiting for me to
call him.”
etc.
You get the get the idea. None of these circumstances are negative and
all are as plausible as any other possible explanation.
Next time you feel uncertain
and insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about a problem that doesn’t
exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath.
Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my
mind.” Being able to distinguish between
what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important
step towards living a positive life.
5. Stop making unreasonable rules and
expectations.
You must deal with the world
the way it is, not the way you expect it to be.
Life is under no obligation to give you exactly what you expect. In fact, whatever it is you’re seeking will
rarely ever come in the form you’re expecting, but that doesn’t make it any
less wonderful.
Stop forcing your own
misconstrued expectations and rules on life…
“He was late, so he must not
care about me.” – Or perhaps he just got caught in traffic.
“If I can’t do this correctly,
then I must not be smart enough.” – Or perhaps you just need more practice.
“I haven’t heard back from my
doctor, so the test results must be bad.” – Or perhaps the lab is just really
busy and your results aren’t available yet.
etc.
Inventing rules like these
about how life must be, based on your own stubborn expectations, is a great way
to keep your mind stuck in the gutter.
This isn’t to say that you should never expect anything at all from
yourself and others (diligence, honesty, determination, etc.), but rather that
the rules that govern your expectations should not steer you toward
unreasonably negative conclusions.
If you feel dissatisfied or let
down by an outcome, then you must have been expecting something different. Rather than get upset, ask yourself, “Were my
expectations too narrow?” and “What new truths have I learned?”
The bottom line is that you
must see and accept things as they are instead of as you hoped, wished, or
expected them to be. Just because it
didn’t turn out like you had envisioned, doesn’t mean it isn’t exactly what you
need to get to where you ultimately want to go.
Afterthoughts
There’s a quote I’ve always
loved that’s often credited to Ignatius: “Pray as if God will take care of all;
act as if all is up to you.”
That’s a strong way to
live. It’s about using your faith to
fuel positive thinking and positive action, every single day.
This is what I wish for
myself. And this is what I wish for you.
Let’s choose positivity
today. Together. (And we’re here to help too if you need us.)
Your turn…
Which point above resonates
with you the most? What else helps you
stay positive and motivated in the face of this negativity? Leave a comment below and share your
thoughts.
Source= www.marcandangel.com