My quest to understand what the dying see began when
I found out that my mom only had a few months (if that) to live. I wanted to be
familiar with the stages she would go through and how I could best be there for
her.
One of the things I read about the dying is that
often they see deceased relatives or friends right before the end. In the world
I grew up in (as a Seventh Day Adventist), I was taught that such things simply
couldn’t happen. Yet, I read and heard story after story of men, women and
children on their deathbeds who saw their dead mothers, fathers, grandmas,
grandpas, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and friends. The same is true with
people who experience “near-death experiences.”
The logical response to this phenomena is that lack
of oxygen and the consumption of various drugs can do crazy things to the
brain. Who knows what can occur when a person is hanging on by a thread?
As we neared the last days of my mom’s life, I so
wanted to understand what she was feeling and seeing. The day before she took
her last breath I decided to ask her.
First I wanted to make sure she could comprehend what
I was saying. I told her I loved her, and she raised her eyebrows in
acknowledgement. Then I shared a funny story about a conversation my sister and
I had. The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile. I could tell that she was
taking in every word.
And then I went for it.
“Mom, can I ask you a really serious question?” She
turned her head and opened her eyes fully. I could tell she wanted to grasp
every word that came out of my mouth.
“Mom, do you see any of our dead relatives in the
room? Do you see your dad?” she shook her head to indicate “no.”
“Do you see your mom,” she shook her head.
“Do you see dad?” (my dad had died when I was 10).
Her response was quite different this time. She began nodding her head to
indicate “yes.”
“Is he here in this room right now?” she nodded. “Can
he see me?” she nodded again. And then she tried to communicate with words, but
was frustrated when she couldn’t get the words out. I could tell she wanted to
share her reality with me so badly.
The next day mom was in a different realm. She wasn’t
responding to me or my family members, yet she was having full-on inaudible
conversations with a being I couldn’t see. Maybe my dad?
At times she would become quite animated, speaking
deep within her throat and making guteral sounds. At one point, she kept
shaking her head and saying “no.” It was obvious she was fighting something. I
sat down next to her and tried to hold her. My sister also came into the room
to let mom know she was there. I then called my brother and let him say hello.
Shortly thereafter, mom began having conversations
again. When she spoke to the invisible being this time, it was as though they
were having a cohesive conversation — one that I still couldn’t understand
because by that time her vocal chords were shot. She’d talk and then listen and
talk again. It was as though she was trying to make sense of what she was being
told.
The conversation ended, and a bit later her body
constricted. Her brow furrowed. Then something profound happened. Her soul (the
mom I loved and treasured so much) completely left her body. Her body continued
to breathe, but there were no more conversations. No more frowns or grimaces
when you’d adjust her legs or back.
What I saw led me to conclude that she finally agreed
to go. Could it be possible that she went with my dad? That he was sent to take
her away and keep her safe along the way?
While I can’t be certain, this is what it seemed to
be.
According to David Kessler, author and expert on
death and dying, the following things often happen when a person is about to
die.
The dying are often visited by their dead mothers.
Their hands often reach up toward a force that can’t
be seen. (My mom did this)
Family members and friends of the dying can’t see
their visions or participate in conversations.
Visions often occur hours to weeks before they die.
While there is no “proof” that their visions and
communication with deceased family members or friends are real, some death and
dying experts are adamant they should be taken seriously.
“People think it’s just confusion or the drugs,”
explains Maggie Callanan. As a hospice nurse for more than 27 years, she has
helped more than 2,000 dying men and women in their last days. “But frankly,
the confusion is ours. The patient knows what is going on.”
Dr. Martha Twaddle, chief medical officer of the
Midwest Palliative & Hospice CareCenter, explains further: “You can write
it off and say it’s a hallucination, they’re not getting enough oxygen in their
brain, but no, it doesn’t apply to many people in these situations. I have to
believe they are transitioning; they are in a phase we don’t understand physically
or metaphysically. And it is profoundly reassuring to see it happen.”
Following the death of my Mom, I am more open to the
idea that something amazing (like my father being there to take my mom away)
may occur. The experience is one I can never forget — and honestly I never want
to forget.
Just a few weeks ago, I was wondering why I haven’t
had many dreams of my mom since she died. As I was driving home from work, I
said out loud, “Mom, it’s about time you come and visit me in a dream! Where
are you anyway?” I then laughed it off and enjoyed my drive through my favorite
canyon.
That night while I was sleeping, it happened. I had
one of the most lucid dreams I’ve had in a long time. Mom was dressed
beautifully. She peered at me with a HUGE smile. Her eyes were bright and full
of life. She was happier than I had seen her in years. And she was younger,
maybe her 45 or 50-year-old self. We didn’t exchange any words, but it was
clear that she is healed, happy and free.
I woke up with joy in my heart.