A magazine
writer says motherhood transformed her into a better worker and person. It may
well have done, but not having children is absolutely fine—and we should
celebrate that choice as loudly.
Forget the
Mommy Wars. Yes, moms still—and will—continue to battle over which parenting
styles produced the happier, smarter, better-adjusted tots.
But that
has apparently distracted from the larger war, the undercurrent of tensions and
judgment between those who have children and those who do not. Breeding is the
ultimate line in the sand.
“Before I
had kids, I had no ambition. None,” Heather Havrilesky writes in her latest
piece for New York.
She
describes how her 20s and 30s sans children were spent “obsessing over trivial
problems, and engaging in aimless tasks that added up to nothing.”
What saved
her from this abyss of narcissism and nonsense: children.
Havrilesky
trots out a variation of what young women have been told since widely
accessible birth control has made motherhood a choice: No, you don't need to
have kids, but they will make you a more complete, fulfilled person and drag
your immature butt into adulthood.
I don’t
doubt the validity of Havrilesky’s motherhood experience, and I am a massive
fan of her work. I read her advice column “Dear Polly” close to religiously,
and I am struck by how straightforward and firm yet non-judgmental her words
are.
That’s why
this recent column appears all the more tone-deaf and condescending in 2015.
More than
a decade ago, the Sex and the City episode, “A Woman’s Right to Shoes,”
brilliantly demonstrated how this motherhood superiority manifested in a
progressive, socially liberal, feminist-minded woman.
In the
episode, Carrie Bradshaw’s Manolo Blahniks are stolen after she is forced to
leave them by the door of a baby shower because the super-cool, pot-smoking
parents who lie in a downtown loft are also really worried about their kids
contracting germs from the soles of people’s shoes.
While the
mother, Kyra Bronson (played with perfect, beatific obliviousness by Tatum
O’Neal), initially offers to pay for Carrie’s stolen Manolos, she blanches when
she hears the $485 price tag.
“I have a
real life,” she tells Carrie. “No offense, Carrie, but I really don't think we
should have to pay for your extravagant lifestyle. I mean, it was your choice
to buy shoes that expensive.”
To
Havrilesky’s credit, she includes a one-sentence thumbs-up of approval to
people who may not choose the baby route. “Obviously, if you don't want kids,
having them won't make you happier,” she says.
But that’s
one line in an essay that’s all about the benefits of having children, and specifically
how it makes you a more mature, productive, valuable adult.
Havrilesky
outlines how having her children forced her to focus, budget her time, and
prioritize.
She makes
it abundantly clear that in contrast to the stereotype that parents, especially
moms, are the office equivalent of harried drone bees who can neither make
money nor hold a conversation about anything other than the Wiggles, having
children can exert a positive influence, both professionally and socially.
After her
first baby, Havrilesky learned to stop hating and complaining about every party
she went to: “People seemed more interesting because I didn't get to be around
grown adults as often as I wanted to.”
Even more
impressively, after her second child Havrilesky published a memoir--an
achievement most writers only fantasize about or, more accurately, bitterly
covet.
“When the
leisure hours you used to spend doing stupid, unrewarding crap are eliminated,
that leaves only about three seconds to do stuff you truly love,” Havrilesky
writes. “And then something strange happens. You TRULY SAVOR those three
seconds of free time, maybe for the first time ever.”
“Kids
force you to decide what's worth your time and what isn't. Kids force you to
focus on the things you love (yes, like your kids! But other things, too!), and
to invest in those things with all of your heart,” writes Havrilesky.
In short,
kids are what teach you to be responsible, well-balanced, and highly competent.
Hooray!
However,
she never quite acknowledges that there are lots of ways to develop these
critical skills for being a valuable employee and an all-around thoughtful
person.
The
implication is that having children is some essential key to leading a truly
mature life as a functioning adult—and one cannot achieve this ultimate state
without progeny.
Oscar-winner
Marisa Tomei railed against this pervasive belief during an interview with
Manhattan Magazine in 2009. “I don’t know why women need to have children to be
seen as complete human beings.”
At age 50
and nearly 30 years on the screen, Tomei’s been pestered with the “kid
question” a whole lot, I would venture.
Havrilesky’s
goal might be to push against the argument that people, especially women, who
have children become less productive in the office and less valuable to their
employers because they are (too) occupied caring for their families.
But this
stereotype is already being rectified through the best way possible: hard
research.
Last year,
the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis released the results of a 30-year study
showing women with children were more productive in the workplace than those
who had none.
Media
outlets happily jumped on the study to cheer-lead working mothers.
One could
almost sense the smugness in the opener of the Washington Post article on it:
“A word of encouragement for my working moms: You are actually more productive
than your childless peers.”
Take that,
non-breeders.
No doubt,
we have a long way to go in improving work-life balance for parents: increases
in maternity and paternity leave, establishing flexible work hours, and
debating whether or not employers should cover egg freezing are all important.
To add
insult to injury, it is often forgotten is that this improvement is most
critical when it comes to low-income families where parents tend to work in
less tony and supportive blue-collar industries and holding a job while raising
kids is often not a choice, but a necessity.
But we are
kidding ourselves if we can’t admit things aren’t getting better. We are moving
away from the perception that parents, especially mothers, are a drain on the
office and not as capable or valuable as their childless colleagues.
Yet, there
is still this championing of motherhood and working moms as if their
“lifestyle” choice is under attack. In reality, it is as, if not more,
glorified that it’s ever been. And with it comes attendant pressure on the
childless and child-free—a sense of failure that they haven’t got both career
and family; the sense that something is missing without the latter.
The same
day Havrilesky’s article was published, the Daily Mail ran a post on British
mothers who transform their breast milk into jewelry. At a place like Mom’s Own
Milk, they can spend £12 ($19) for charms to £150 ($234) to have their breast
milk solidified into charms and pendants.
The
article pits the proud choice in boob juice accessories against the apparent
haters (who are never directly quoted) who find it “distasteful.” "My
necklace represents my achievement in breastfeeding and the closeness of my
relationship with my son,” one mother is self-righteously quoted as saying.
Havrilesky’s
piece doesn’t fall in the same camp of women who extol the benefits of dropping
$200+ on having their breast milk coagulated into charms and jewelry. But they
do fall along similar battle lines of the pro-children camp.
“If you
already know you want kids and you’re worried that they’ll ruin your life and
destroy your career, think again,” Havrilesky writes.
She seems
to be under the impression that women in their 20s and 30s have concerns about
motherhood that are in major need of myth-busting.
On the one
hand, it’s a well-meaning effort to alleviate fears. On the other, this
argument is based in an underlying, patronizing assumption that, of course, we
want kids. We just need a little encouragement to overcome our misgivings.
But what
if some women are quite content to embrace these misgivings?
“The
chance that we’ll regret it doesn’t quite seem like a compelling enough reason
to do it,” actress, writer, and director Jennifer Westfeldt told The New York
Times of her decision not to have children with her now reportedly former
boyfriend, Jon Hamm.
Many young
women follow in Westfeldt’s footsteps. They question why motherhood is the
default, why they must offer a robust argument for not having children, rather
than the other way around.
While
Havrilesky makes it clear she respects this choice, these women who choose not
to have children are the ones most in need of the cheerleaders.
Yes, more
women are speaking writing about their decisions not to have kids, but they
face an ocean of pressure coming from families, friends, movies, television,
and books.
Moreover,
they often face obstacles from doctors who refuse to perform tubal ligations
out of the fear women in their 20s will eventually come to regret their
decision.
Such
regret is, apparently, considered more worthy of intervention than the regret
of an unwanted pregnancy.
A woman
who does not want children is up against so much more than a woman who does.
While I
appreciate all the articles telling me I can have kids and a job, and that
doing both will ultimately be worthwhile and rewarding and the right choice,
I’ve been told that my whole life.
Children
are something I’ve thought about quite a lot and known that I’ve wanted for a
long time. Luckily for me, society backs up this desire.
That’s why
I don’t need the hand-holding. You know who does? The coworker, the childhood
friend, the girl on the subway who know they do not want kids and are in search
of role models.
Motherhood
has everything on its side, including a fully stocked propaganda machine
devoted to its sustenance—chosen (or not) childlessness, and its many nuances,
not so much. And it’s childlessness that needs the banners and cheering.
Source= www.thedailybeast.com
Source= www.thedailybeast.com